Life in Laura's Mind

Ok, so I'm lying in bed, dead dog tired, but mind working on how to improve my organizational system in the laundry room and therby declutter my kitchen table and impress visiting relatives, and I realize that if I don't do something else I will make myself crazy. So back to the theme of GRACE-

I just want to say how wonderful it is to be focusing on Grace this time of year. Our church has made that the theme for this Lenten season, and I find it wonderfully refreshing when I'm used to focusing on how I am a poor miserable sinner in need of Christ's gruesome death (boy I really must be stinkin' rotten, ... but hey, at least not as bad as so and so, that's why I'm giving up sweets). Of course I am a stinkin miserabe rotten sinner, and I have felt it in the past weeks -- in the form of nagging screaming wife and teacher, half-a___ed co-worker, cheating dieter, binger, sleepy whining childish wimp ... you get the idea. That is a harsh and honest assessment, and definitely not the whole picture either. I'm not just being humble about that. When someone else lovingly pointed out how miserable I was, I got even madder and self-pitying -- how dare she say that, how insensitive! Can you believe she actually said that?! It took another person to point it out before it finally hit me between the eyes -- it's not about me -- GET OVER YOURSELF! But how?? How can I talk myself out of this funk when as soon as I do, someone else does something inconsiderate and I lose it again? Surely I am beyond help. C'mon, Lord, is this really how you want me?!

I hear the deep rumbling clearing of his throat. Uh, yeah.

You've GOT to be kidding, Lord, I am so completly helpless!

The deep voice softens, My child, I know, come sit with me for a bit. There now. Remember when...

And slowly I open myself the the gentle whispering of the Spirit when He reminds me of what He taught me before (John 14:6). His love really is unconditional, and we can't do anything to make him proud or disappoint him. He accomplishes his work through us, but that's not nearly as important as the work he accomplishes IN us, especially when we wear ourselves out trying to do his work for him.

Maybe that's the most profound lesson of all. Lord, get ME out of the way, and please show me how you can work.

But I've found I can't really remove myself from the picture until I am assured that I really am taken care of. How can I be an agent of God's Grace when I don't feel I receive it from those around me? But here is the key-- the QBQ (question behind the question) -- What can I do right now to improve this situation? Answer -- soak it up from God's word, and then JUST DO IT. I read a chapter of Yancy's What's so Amazing About Grace and really soaked in those truths. Then by God's grace, I did it. I stood in the middle of the kitchen floor the next morning while the family was getting ready and announced in my military-mom voice, "I just want everyone in this room to know that I love them." Then I tackle hugged the closest child, which just happened to be the teen I had most recently screamed at the night before. My family members probably thought I was crazy, obnoxious, or both. At school I declared the day a "hug day," and it was wonderful to give and receive hugs from students and co-workers (I got pig-piled by the PK/K class!).

No magic formula -- life was still stressful, others were still inconsiderate, and I still had to ask forgiveness and give it. But I've realized it's all about looking for the QBQ, and finding the answer in Christ's obnoxiously extravagant Grace. I received it again at the Lord's Table tonight in the most touching communion time I've had in maybe 20 years. While the congregation sang Just as I am I raised my voice with them, and wanted to shout AMEN when we said the post-communion canticle ...for my eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared before the face of all people, ... glory be to the Father, and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, world without end. AMEN!!!

It's impossible to re-capture the feeling of that moment, but it is my prayer that I will feel that again soon. Nevertheless, it's not about feeling, but about truth. By the miracle of his Spirit, I caught a fuller glimpse of His love. I will pray that I will not doubt in the dark what He's taught me in this light.