Come Thou Fount

Last night we attended our Lenten Midweek services. Mostly, I guess I wanted to eat without cooking, I guess, but I also wanted to see my husband and see what the theme "Pause" could do for me. The hymns, oh, the hymns... we've turned away from these hymns to more popular music from Christian radio, but there is something in those hymns that nourishes me in a way the other cannot. Come thou Fount of Ever'y Blessing, verse 3 - "O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be. Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wanderingheart to thee. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love! Here's my heart, o take and seal it; seal it for thy courts above." How that hymn writer way back in the 1700's could put his finger on how I feel right now is a mystery to me. It seems that my experience is common to believers everywhere, at every time. That is a comfort. Can I give my heart to the Lord in worship and then take it back the next day? I want, Lord, for you to indeed seal it, as I know you can, but you do give us the freedom to go our own way. Lord let that way never lead me so far that I cannot run back into your arms.

He Pushes, She Speaks

Ok, so this blog is a low pressure way to practice my craft, but as you can see from the frequency of my posts, I could use a little pressure. I used to think about pressure and creativity as unrelatied -- we can only creat when we're relaxed and peaceful, I thought. But that is not the case -- like a lump of clay on the potters wheel, the pressure is what shapes you. The heat of the fire is what makes the creation lasting and useful. So though I am trying to discipline myself to write more regularly, my discipline can only take me so far... and that's not very far most days. So enter Lysa TerKeurst and her blog, delivered daily to my e-mail. I can picture her at her "sticky farm table" in the early morning hours, searching the scriptures and reflecting on God's word, and thne sharing those reflections with us, her readers. And I am convicted. My table is not a farm table, it's probably sticky more often than not, and it's commonly covered with mail and school papers, catalogs and book, under which my Bible remains unopened, because in the early morning hours I'm trying desperately to grab a few more quiet moments between my warm cozy sheets. The other day I read about the "She Speaks" conference, and the opportunity to win a scholarship to this conference which offers many promises -- Lysa writes, "you will receive the tools and the confidence to answer God’s call on your life. You will learn how to make the most of your messages, the nuts and bolts of speaking, writing, leading and influencing, and have the opportunity to meet with some of today’s top Christian publishers." I don't know if I'm anywhere near ready for that, but I do know that I have within me the need to write... sometimes is a burning desire, and sometimes I try to quench it with other things... but it's still there, and ignoring it is nothing short of disobedience. Obeying that desire and stetching myself is necessary, yeilding to the pressure and going forth into the world with what I have been given -- that is my calling. Dear Lord, enable me hear that call, and to answer with courage and faith.

Comeback

I raced down the steps as the electronic chime rang through the house for the third time -- where is that phone!! The answering machine picked up by the time I reached the family room, and my long distance friend was finishing up her message. Ah-ha! I grabbed it. "I'm here! I'm here!" I hollered into the receiver. Silence. Aw, man!Now I would have to call back, balancing my slim cell phone to my ear to avoid the long-distance charges from our land line. Drat.

Sometimes my life feels like that -- like I'm just about to grab the secret to all my issues and it slips through my fingers. I once attended a cartooning class with my son, and I drew a cartoon of a little girl running down the street as the icecream truck pulls away. Double drat.

But there are also times, thank the good Lord, that life offers a sort of re-do. I've heard this quote several times recently - "every set back is a set up for a comeback." Thank you God, for Your faithfulness is new every morning.

So I am becoming reaquainted with the girl I referenced in the last blog -- maybe not as victorious as I'd like, but she's making progress. Yet I find another bothersome phenomenon -- We cope with life challenging issues by numbing ourselves with a variety of substances and activities. When you stop doing that, those challenging issues resurface, sometimes with a vengance. So here I am, though I have controlled my eating, I find I don't really like the way I interact with those I love the most. Am I better sleepy and chubby? By no means, but wow, is this annoying!

If I could draw a cartoon now, I'd draw a picture of myself staring into the mirror, hair ascew, face blemished and mascara smudged. The caption would read, "I hate it when I feel pretty good about myself until I look in the mirror."

All I can do is quote Matt Maher as he's quoting scripture - "Your grace is enough heaven reaching down to us. Your grace is enough for me...I'm covered in your love." And this is the soundtrack of my life right now.

Freedom and Addictions

I sit here with my belly over full, and my heart aching with shame. Since the end of December I have stuffed myself beyond fullness. Why? What am I looking to sooth with food? I look and find no answers, only a jumble of rationalizations, habits, and less than ideal circumstances that always lead me to food and paradoxically, to emptiness.

I’ve been reading Walter Wangerin Jr.’s novel Paul. Currently I am in the midst of the debate between Paul and the other Jews about circumcision and dietary restrictions. Paul insists that Gentiles should not be required to follow the Jewish tradition of circumcision, because to put that obligation on them diminishes the Gospel. Jesus is enough. It is for freedom that Christ set us free. Yet then there is the matter of dietary restrictions. Circumcision is for the Jews and not the Gentiles, but just as the Jews will follow the circumcision tradition, so they also follow the tradition of not eating certain foods. When eating with Jews, shouldn’t the Gentiles follow those rules as well? Paul says no, that is obedience, not freedom!

And I wonder, are obedience and freedom mutually exclusive? I guess the difference lies in what comes before -- obedience out of fear of punishment is completely different than obedience motivated by love. In one case, one might appear obedient because he hasn’t gotten caught. In the other, one is clearly aware of his lack of obedience because it is so small in comparison to the love. One compares himself to others, saying, “At least I’m not as bad as so and so.” The other weeps tears of regret at one hurtful act.

And freedom? Am I free to eat as much as I want? I find that as soon as I agree and say yes, I am no longer free. I am captive to that craving, and further more, captive by the emptiness that follows. What a wretched soul am I!

Real freedom is this - I am free resist the lies of this world. I am free to return to the fountain of Grace after I have once again searched for satisfaction elsewhere. I am free not of the consequences, but of the tendency to let them define me. God does not define us by our failures, instead he sees us as the person we will become. Oh, how I long to catch a glimpse of that victorious believer!

Anticipation

That bit of an Advent sermon stays with me, even now as even Epiphany has passed. We prayed “Increase in us an anticipation of Your coming.” Advent is about the discipline of waiting, something so foreign in this instant society. Loosely quoting someone that our pastoral intern quoted in that sermon, “The only thing more wonderful than the event of Christ’s coming is the waiting for that wonderful event.”

That Sunday in Advent the words of that classic hymn spoke to me as well “O Come, O come Immanuel, and ransom captive Israel.” I questioned to myself “what inside of me is captive? “ The answer I found was this -- Hope is captive. Hope and the bold prayer for sweet reunion. Captive by the reality of “bitterness, envy and strife.” Captive by the reality of wounds -- both those that I have inflicted and those I have sustained. And following on that is the longing -- the longing I am afraid to give voice to because I cannot bear to hope and be disappointed again -- the longing to be embraced in the arms of those I have hurt, and the longing to finally forget the hurts I have had to forgive.

The reunion I long for is more than joining hands around a proverbial campfire and singing “Kum Ba Yah.” It’s a reunion that not just joins what has been separated, but instead makes something new and wonderful out of the broken pieces. Like a mosaic made of broken tiles, one which perhaps forms a cross, perhaps a chalice and loaf, perhaps a crashing wave of love…or perhaps something even more grand and wonderful than I can imagine. Will I see it this side of heaven? Don’t know… but I do know that God’s faithfulness is everywhere (Psalm 19, 108)

So I’m left here with my feet stuck firmly in the mud of that reality, and the sometime clear, sometimes faint vision of something more. And here is where I have to make myself forget the slights - real or imagined - and forgive. How do I make myself? The same way a house plant strains toward the light. Because of who I am, something in me knows that I need that healing light. But also because of who I am, I see places where I am deemed unworthy. Quickly on the heals of that thought, I have to find evidence of unmerited favor. It grates me to think of the crippled orphan that I was, and the grieving parents who swooped in to save me. I hate to think of the debt of gratitude that I can never repay. I still hear the ever-present “I love you” at the end of every phone call, and even when that doesn’t ring true, even when that human love shows itself imperfect, I turn my heart to faith, that stubborn optimism that cling to the truth knowing that without it I will surely perish.

So with the eyes of faith I say that some day my biological mother and father will meet my “real” parents, and that they will see beyond the walls of class, political party, lifestyle and beliefs to the people, the those who gave DNA, faith, tears, love dreams, and time … gave all of those things and more to me, or to just the idea of me … the baby and child and the woman who is all me. That each will see the sacrifice that was made as something divine, and that we’ll all be flooded with a holy awe, so much so that others will see and hear of it and say, “Wow, God. Wow. This could only be you, God. Wow.”

Come, Lord Jesus, Come.

It happened to me -- October 2010

I never thought I would be one of the ones who would tell a story about opening a piece of mail and finding a check at just the right time. I am bursting to tell the story -- the story of the tears pricking my eyes as I read the accompanying letter, of the letting go as I read on and those tears became a stream of joy bubbling up from a well within that I had feared had gone dry...but first I must back up a few days...

I have had 2 minor car accidents in the past week caused by cell phone use, and several other recent close calls which God used to wake me up. As a result, I imposed a strict no phone policy, and have promised my family that I will abide by it and pay a hefty fine to them if I don't. I even printed a sign for my dashboard to remind me - color printing & graphics to get the message across! These accidents have not only woken me up, but also have placed an addition strain on our finances, at just the worst time -- health insurance changes at John's work for 2011, another minor car accident for him on the very same day as one of mine (his wasn‘t caused by cell phone usage, but a deer), and lastly upcoming major surgery for our oldest son.

That is the background which made the following events even more impactful.

My husband came from a pastor’s family -- good German Lutherans whose stubbornness makes faith unshakeable and frugality second nature. Throughout his growing up years, the family took only camping vacations which were often cancelled because of a congregation member’s untimely death. In the family of four children, extra curricular activities were restricted because high school was a time to work to save for college. Shortly after he proposed to me, my future husband apologetically explained to me that with him, I would acquire his unpaid student loans. Having grown up privileged by comparison, that didn’t register with me at all. The frugality of his family life as a child was not just out of necessity, but also so that his parents could travel together after they retired. As it happened, his father died before retirement. His widowed mother did travel quite frequently, but now at 85, she has begun to disburse her savings regularly to each of her children. She receives so much joy in the giving, and because she is still with us, we avoid the inheritance tax. We never know when it will be our turn to receive, nor do we know the amount.

I was reaching for my cell phone as I was backing out of the driveway, and I ran over our mailbox. The following day, we received a letter from Grandma. When I saw the typewritten letter and the check, I knew I should read the letter before looking closely at the check. That’s the background...the prickling of tears, and the letting go as joy bubbled forth...

In the next several days, I thought a lot about my mother-in-law. We had received checks like this before, but somehow this was different. After we read the letter, we decided to share it with our children. What an impact it made! The letter talked about their plans to travel together, the travels that she enjoyed after his death, and about how no matter how bad things were financially, they never reduced their giving to their church. This is her legacy -- a legacy of being faithful, of accepting life as it comes, of holding loosely to the things of this world, of giving freely. As we passed around the check to each child, we saw their eyes widen. Our oldest wondered, “How did they do that in those days?“ As I shared their comments with the giver, she just couldn't keep from giggling!

In keeping with the spirit of the gift, we first discussed what we would do with the portion that we decided to give away. As each child made their suggestions, I took notes. Finally, each had an amount that they could give to the charity of their choice. They wrote their own checks, which I signed.

And I marveled at how yes, it had happened to me, to us.

Reunion

Ok – here we go again – 2nd draft, perhaps rougher than the first… I had just explored the various reactions this word evokes, commented on the writing process in general (loosely quoting Anne Lamotte as interviewed on the Brown Sessions), and vowed to plunge ahead with this work of spitting out this grain of sand that has been irritating me for years in hopes to find a pearl, and when I lifted my head from the keyboard it was all gone. So I follow the first rule of Christian publishing – JESUS SAVES – and retype…

Family Reunion – evokes visions for some of a dull gathering of people with whom you may or may not be related in the geneological web of families, listening to stories you may have heard before and pretended to be interested in at one time, eating lots of food and enduring talcum powder scented hugs and kissing paper thin cheeks of elderly aunties…

Class Reunion – madly trying to regain or reinvent yourself into a younger, hipper version of yourself so that those you meet there will curse themselves for not getting to know such a fascinating and charming individual 25 years ago.

Webster’s New World Dictionary (1990) defines the term as follows “reunion, n. a coming together again, as after separation.”

Webster’s New Universal Unabridged Dictionary (1983) defines it more extensively as follows: 1. a bringing or coming together again; a second union; a union formed anew after separation or discord; as a reunion of parts or particles of matter; a reunion of parties or sects. 2. a gathering of persons after separation; a meeting, assembly, or festive gathering, as of a family, familiar friends, associates, or members of a college class or society.

The more up to date dictionaries are stubbornly refusing to be found by our lazy modem, so though the world wide web might provide a cutting edge definition, for my purposes right now, these definitions will suffice.

Anne Lamotte said in an interview with Steve Brown (add link to Steve Brown Etc) that writing is hard word, that writer must write 3 or 4 pages in hope of finally on page 3 getting around to what they want to say...Thos of you who know me may guess at the direction of this post, but for some reason I have found every excuse not to get down to the writing... it has to do with considering the audience --

Cut that -- now I have to try to recreate what I typed in after my second technological mishap of the day, and since it's now after 10 pm with the increasing odds of having another mishap and the ensuing expletives escaping my lips, I am going to post after this paragraph.

The paragraph I wrote this afternoon was about how there is this tension -- wanting to be "reunited" with my best self and being reminded repeatedly that I have my feet solidly on the mud and clay of earthly existence (damn -- the words were so right before, and now they're gone!!) Oh well...stay tuned for the continuation of this gripping tale...