Easter in the Rearview mirror

This is a long overdue posting of a blog I began in late May -- I think it applies just as well now that we're looking at Advent in the distance as it did looking at Easter in the rearview mirror.

This is a quote from a book by Richard Russo called Empire Falls. We hear the story of the declining town of Empire Falls from the point of view of Miles Roby. In this selection, he speaks of a lonely teenage boy who is befriended by his daughter, Tick.

If Jesus had gone away, things in Galilee would have returned to normal, just as her father had promised they would soon in Empire Falls. ..No one could want this boy, this child who had dangled from a laundry bag inside a closet, not to exist. Merely for him not to exist here, because here has proven to be the wrong place. She feels like Jesus' disciples must've felt. They never wanted him crucified, of course, but what a relief it must have been when the stone was rolled across the entrance to the tomb, sealing everything shut so they could go back to being fishermen, which is what they knew how to do, rather than fishers of men, which they didn't. No wonder they didn't recognize him later on the road to Damascus. They didn't want to any more than Tick wants to welcome this poor boy back into their midst. (p. 446-447)

This is not a Christian book, but isn't that a stiking comparison? How would it have felt to be the disciples, to have had your life disrupted for 3 years, and then for it all to turn out so different than you had hoped ("we had hoped that He was the Messiah," they told Jesus)... how they must have wanted to just put the whole confusing thing behind them.

And us? How has Jesus disrupted your life? Don't you sometimes wish you could just live like the rest of the world, and turn away from what He's calling you to? It can be so uncertain, so unsettling, following that voice you think you hear on a way you think you might be called to... toward something you're not sure you can handle...Kind of like that feeling right before your foot touches the ground... most of the time you don't think about it, but there's that time when you forget how many steps there are, and the landing isn't where you expect it to be.

But then I think, "what else is there?" I could go back to living the way I was. It's familiar, so familiar that I can do it in my sleep. I have. I fill the emptiness inside with noise and sensations, then go back to mindlessly living. But I have known another way. I have known the feeling of adventure, and I wake in anticipation of what God will do next. Even if those moments are in the background faraway, there is a knowledge you can't unknow, a knowledge that God will show up, that actually He never left, and He's waiting to show me a better way, bit by bit, and He will walk beside me.

And so I determine to keep listening, to stay awake, to move, to watch and see.

Attitude of Gratitude

I heard a speaker on one of my favorite podcasts talk about gratitude. She said she learned recently that when a person "sits" in that place of gratitude, his brain chemistry actually changes. This change requires more than just a passing thought, but dwelling on those grateful thoughts for an extended time. Not just once a year while gathered around the table with family. Not just as you write the obligatory thank you notes. But instead intentionally recalling all the things that generate gratitude.
Whenever I got to feeling down as a teenager about how things weren't going my way, my Dad used to say, "Count your blessings." Sometimes it would say it in an exasperated voice, because teenage girls caught up in drama can be exasperating, and I know for a fact I was no exception. But other times it would be a more gentle reminder, and it brought to mind his granddad's table prayer, which we recited in part at our table growing up -- "Give us thankful hearts, Our Father, for all these many blessings..." it began. Gratitude was something he was taught, and he passed it down to me, as we hope to pass it on to our children.

That same speaker pointed out that in Old Testament times, the children of Israel were taught through the marking of seasons and festivals to recall all that the Lord had done for them. Psalm 103 is just one of the many scriptural examples of how David encouraged others to "count their blessings," to intentionally turn their thoughts to all the good things the Lord has done - here it is from the New International Version -


Praise the LORD, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 The life of mortals is like grass,
they flourish like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children—
18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the LORD, my soul.

There are so many blessings to ponder in those 22 verses I cannot even begin to comment...but back to that speaker on the podcast -- just think what would happen if we read that psalm and "parked our minds" there for moments everyday? Would our brain chemistry actually change? Would we be less stressed, less likely to snap at people, more likely to smile?

And of course this is the most important question on my mind at my age,

Would my smile lines deepen and become more pronounced than my frown lines?

Spark

"It only takes a spark..." Raise your hand if you remember singing that song at church camps and youth group meetings in the 80's! It takes you back, doesn't it? But remember the refrain -- "that's how it is with God's love, once you've experienced it. You want to sing, it's fresh like spring, you want to pass it on..." That's what I'm tying to remember -- We were made for more than this. I want to remember that buring in my belly that's like fire -- not like the acidy one I feel when I've over eaten, but like the stirring I feel when I'm passionate about something!

I've found that Sparkpeople.com is a good place to find motivation to live a healthy lifestyle, and interact with others who are doing the same. It's free, and it has thousands of members - Check it out -- my sparkpage is href="http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage.asp?id=LAURALOUPRIEBE">

Come Thou Fount

Last night we attended our Lenten Midweek services. Mostly, I guess I wanted to eat without cooking, I guess, but I also wanted to see my husband and see what the theme "Pause" could do for me. The hymns, oh, the hymns... we've turned away from these hymns to more popular music from Christian radio, but there is something in those hymns that nourishes me in a way the other cannot. Come thou Fount of Ever'y Blessing, verse 3 - "O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be. Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wanderingheart to thee. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love! Here's my heart, o take and seal it; seal it for thy courts above." How that hymn writer way back in the 1700's could put his finger on how I feel right now is a mystery to me. It seems that my experience is common to believers everywhere, at every time. That is a comfort. Can I give my heart to the Lord in worship and then take it back the next day? I want, Lord, for you to indeed seal it, as I know you can, but you do give us the freedom to go our own way. Lord let that way never lead me so far that I cannot run back into your arms.

He Pushes, She Speaks

Ok, so this blog is a low pressure way to practice my craft, but as you can see from the frequency of my posts, I could use a little pressure. I used to think about pressure and creativity as unrelatied -- we can only creat when we're relaxed and peaceful, I thought. But that is not the case -- like a lump of clay on the potters wheel, the pressure is what shapes you. The heat of the fire is what makes the creation lasting and useful. So though I am trying to discipline myself to write more regularly, my discipline can only take me so far... and that's not very far most days. So enter Lysa TerKeurst and her blog, delivered daily to my e-mail. I can picture her at her "sticky farm table" in the early morning hours, searching the scriptures and reflecting on God's word, and thne sharing those reflections with us, her readers. And I am convicted. My table is not a farm table, it's probably sticky more often than not, and it's commonly covered with mail and school papers, catalogs and book, under which my Bible remains unopened, because in the early morning hours I'm trying desperately to grab a few more quiet moments between my warm cozy sheets. The other day I read about the "She Speaks" conference, and the opportunity to win a scholarship to this conference which offers many promises -- Lysa writes, "you will receive the tools and the confidence to answer God’s call on your life. You will learn how to make the most of your messages, the nuts and bolts of speaking, writing, leading and influencing, and have the opportunity to meet with some of today’s top Christian publishers." I don't know if I'm anywhere near ready for that, but I do know that I have within me the need to write... sometimes is a burning desire, and sometimes I try to quench it with other things... but it's still there, and ignoring it is nothing short of disobedience. Obeying that desire and stetching myself is necessary, yeilding to the pressure and going forth into the world with what I have been given -- that is my calling. Dear Lord, enable me hear that call, and to answer with courage and faith.

Comeback

I raced down the steps as the electronic chime rang through the house for the third time -- where is that phone!! The answering machine picked up by the time I reached the family room, and my long distance friend was finishing up her message. Ah-ha! I grabbed it. "I'm here! I'm here!" I hollered into the receiver. Silence. Aw, man!Now I would have to call back, balancing my slim cell phone to my ear to avoid the long-distance charges from our land line. Drat.

Sometimes my life feels like that -- like I'm just about to grab the secret to all my issues and it slips through my fingers. I once attended a cartooning class with my son, and I drew a cartoon of a little girl running down the street as the icecream truck pulls away. Double drat.

But there are also times, thank the good Lord, that life offers a sort of re-do. I've heard this quote several times recently - "every set back is a set up for a comeback." Thank you God, for Your faithfulness is new every morning.

So I am becoming reaquainted with the girl I referenced in the last blog -- maybe not as victorious as I'd like, but she's making progress. Yet I find another bothersome phenomenon -- We cope with life challenging issues by numbing ourselves with a variety of substances and activities. When you stop doing that, those challenging issues resurface, sometimes with a vengance. So here I am, though I have controlled my eating, I find I don't really like the way I interact with those I love the most. Am I better sleepy and chubby? By no means, but wow, is this annoying!

If I could draw a cartoon now, I'd draw a picture of myself staring into the mirror, hair ascew, face blemished and mascara smudged. The caption would read, "I hate it when I feel pretty good about myself until I look in the mirror."

All I can do is quote Matt Maher as he's quoting scripture - "Your grace is enough heaven reaching down to us. Your grace is enough for me...I'm covered in your love." And this is the soundtrack of my life right now.

Freedom and Addictions

I sit here with my belly over full, and my heart aching with shame. Since the end of December I have stuffed myself beyond fullness. Why? What am I looking to sooth with food? I look and find no answers, only a jumble of rationalizations, habits, and less than ideal circumstances that always lead me to food and paradoxically, to emptiness.

I’ve been reading Walter Wangerin Jr.’s novel Paul. Currently I am in the midst of the debate between Paul and the other Jews about circumcision and dietary restrictions. Paul insists that Gentiles should not be required to follow the Jewish tradition of circumcision, because to put that obligation on them diminishes the Gospel. Jesus is enough. It is for freedom that Christ set us free. Yet then there is the matter of dietary restrictions. Circumcision is for the Jews and not the Gentiles, but just as the Jews will follow the circumcision tradition, so they also follow the tradition of not eating certain foods. When eating with Jews, shouldn’t the Gentiles follow those rules as well? Paul says no, that is obedience, not freedom!

And I wonder, are obedience and freedom mutually exclusive? I guess the difference lies in what comes before -- obedience out of fear of punishment is completely different than obedience motivated by love. In one case, one might appear obedient because he hasn’t gotten caught. In the other, one is clearly aware of his lack of obedience because it is so small in comparison to the love. One compares himself to others, saying, “At least I’m not as bad as so and so.” The other weeps tears of regret at one hurtful act.

And freedom? Am I free to eat as much as I want? I find that as soon as I agree and say yes, I am no longer free. I am captive to that craving, and further more, captive by the emptiness that follows. What a wretched soul am I!

Real freedom is this - I am free resist the lies of this world. I am free to return to the fountain of Grace after I have once again searched for satisfaction elsewhere. I am free not of the consequences, but of the tendency to let them define me. God does not define us by our failures, instead he sees us as the person we will become. Oh, how I long to catch a glimpse of that victorious believer!